To Infinity and Beyond
by fanficfanuk
Summary: What Will might have been thinking as he sat on the edge of his desk while Charlie explained his position on employment issues and the progress of News Night 2.00. Series 2. ep 9 Never done this before, but I just cant wait for Mr Sorkin's next series. Sorry. One repetitive swear word! No Newsroom ownership rights.
1. Chapter 1

To Infinity and Beyond

"I'm not resigning …. And neither are you". Charlie had grumbled.

At those words Will's thoughts had frozen. He stopped listening to the stream of consciousness tumbling from the older man's lips. Rather Charlie's earlier words bounced round and round Will's brain as the muscles in his chest constricted causing short shallow breathes; his blood hammered in his ears.

"You agree with what I'm saying?" Charlie demanded a reply presently

Will recovered quickly, he's a wordsmith after all and used to making things up on the spur….sounding good without actually saying anything specific was second nature…first even….

"I believe, except for the things we did wrong, we did everything right and I can't live with Mac taking the blame for…." Will trails off, over-taken by his own thoughts once more.

As Charlie continued his monologue-style argument, Will's brain whirred into gear digesting Charlie's message.

Will's brow furrowed slightly and his skin felt clammy. Withdrawing their resignations will leave Mac exposed, he realized. Mac will carry the blame for Genoa. All of it! No matter what comes later for him and Charlie or any of the others.

Wills heart raced and he could almost feel his blood pounding round his body- his stomach clenched, he felt queasy.

Because everyone will know he was the one who did this to her, who fired her. Fired Mac…..their Mackenzie.A last act of retribution they'll all think.

At least by 'all' Will now means everyone he cares about, his team, his people, his friends, real people with names. The ethereal audience is no longer his sole or even premier yardstick. And she has done this for him, given him this. Mac has made his life so different, him so different, connected. And they'll all know. And now he cares.

So….he must not allow this to happen- Mac cannot take the blame. He will not take the responsibility for giving it to her alone, through his act of dismissal. He is not that person. This fiasco has to stop, right now, before the broadcast ends. Before her employment status goes public. And he only has …what? 11 minutes to do it and get back on air.

Fuck, fuck, fuck….. he feels the panic building in his chest, his thoughts jumbling. How?

Once, Mac would have done anything for him. If he'd admitted to her that he cared about how it looked, she would have agreed to stay and stand beside him and Charlie, against Dantana's legal assault. But that was back in the day. (Well earlier today anyway.) Would she do anything for him now, even if he begged? Even if he had the time to explain, would she listen? Of course she would, she's no Will McAvoy…. not remotely close.

But he had no time to check this out. And he had always, always been able to count on her professionally—well in every way actually, with only one exception.

But now there was the ring.

That damn circular token of commitment that had finally brought them full circle. She had been so hurt and angry and… fucking brave about it. Why had he told her? Had he wanted to hurt her? He had no idea- except perhaps he had changed too and felt he did not want lies lying between them anymore. Yeah that was it, the reason he was apologising for an act of betrayal of trust that she had not even realised he'd inflicted on her. (Something feels familiar and important about this but there's no time to process that just now.) And he had wanted to make it right, to stop carrying that guilt, to prepare to start again. He had not intended to hurt her with this right now, or ever again really. The ring had already served it's purpose. But he'd felt compelled to confess when she brought it up, before she was gone. To show her he did not want her to go? That he'd changed? How had he ever thought that telling her about the ring would convey all that? Seriously..?

He recalled her expression as she processed his words in the hair and make-up room. The shock in her eyes turning to anger and then quickly to a small, wistful smile of acceptance. Her facial muscles playing their part in shielding her pain from the world as she left the room. She was so familiar with the need to cover the hurts he easily and repeatedly inflicted.

But there was worse. Mac had actually sent him away from her across the room, his thoughts screamed – this was new, this was the problem. He couldn't take enough air into his lungs as he remembered their exchange; was it the beginning of the end, their end, the end of them? He felt faint, the room spun, he was going to vomit.

Will had known there had been no chance she would hit him. He'd known, she'd known it too. She was fully in control of herself in that way – he knew that much; knew her that well at least. But things between them had changed, and for the first time she'd actually commanded him to move away from her. And it hurt, it fucking hurt so much.

The many times he had sent her away spiralled through his head- over Brian Brenner, through her return to News Night and in the hospital because of her presumed rejection of him via the voice mail message she had never received. What the fuck… He had said and done so much to hurt her and she had taken all the blame. Always, she'd returned his unkindness with care and forgiveness.

Always!

But not this time! This time she had seen through him. It was all him and he had a 10 minute window to fix this before getting back on air or she would be gone and everyone would know he had done it. Neither of these could happen.

But how? How does he persuade Mac to be unfired, against her better judgement, against her determination to take the greatest proportion of blame and to sacrifice herself for everyone else, himself included. Himself especially. It had to be possible but…only 9 minutes left.

He needed something unexpected, to take her by surprise, to make her an offer she couldn't refuse. He remembered the pained look of longing on her face when he first showed her the ring. Her words "That's the ring that will do it" popped into his head.

Even as his plan was forming, his conscience screamed at him. Using Mac's hopes against her to get what he wanted was unfair. She deserved better. She did. He knew it.

He recalled how his forgiveness had been hers unreservedly that first night in May 2011, only to evaporate during the crushing depressive episode that followed until mid-August when he learned she had never heard his message. He had come to distrust his instincts about her, their mixed messages confirming his punishments and her presumed rejection.

He had never returned to that place of forgiveness, but he was getting near. Since Nina he really was. It was just that he now knew first-hand how he would feel if she really rejected him. And that reality had made it almost impossible to give her the chance, to pass the initiative to her. While he had control of the decisions about "them" he could breathe….just. His hope could not be crushed.

But now there was no time to work on a better solution if he was going to succeed. Less than 8 minutes 15 seconds to air. And anyway, Will justified himself, his scheme was in Mackenzie's best interests. What she'd wanted all along according to Charlie and Slone and Jack and well everyone if all the eye rolls and knowing glances were to be believed. But really he just had to cover up his mistake… now… and he would deal with his readiness for commitment tomorrow. He would, and he would start by stopping hurting Mac and it would all come right. It would. Really! Loving her had never, never been the problem. Nothing could possibly go wrong because losing her would never be right!

Now Charlie was staring at him expectantly…awaiting his response less than patiently.

"Will?" Charlie prompted. "It's gotten strange now….are you able to hear me speaking?"

"She…except for the things she did wrong, she did everything right too… the rest was me…I'm lost…." Will muttered more to himself than to a very surprised News Division chief, as he scrabbled in his desk drawer and left the room at a run to do whatever he'd had to do next and say whatever he'd had to say next to get himself engaged to Mackenzie.


	2. Chapter 2 Downlifting

Chapter 2 Downlifting

"Why Will?"

MacKenzie's whisper mingles with the quiet hum of the descending elevator.

Will looks at her leaning against the polished sidewall of their metal container, eyes firmly closed, teeth worrying her lower lip and a frown on her brow.

She looks so pale and broken his earlier guilt-fed reservations about asking her to marry him return with full force and he's terrified. What had he been thinking? How could he possibly pull off being engaged to Mackenzie McHale and actually keep her beside him? Did he even want this, wasn't it too risky? Wouldn't she see through him and grasp his motivation for asking her tonight in such a panic? Mackenzie could read him like an open book …what if... Too late now! he thinks as his leather jacketed shoulders sag.

Mac is beyond exhausted and having consumed far too much champagne is finally on the verge of collapse. But Will knows even near comatose with fatigue, Mac never stops thinking. His fiancé ( how much he finds he loves that term ) is smart and intuitive and plain fucking brilliant and how long did he think it would be until she asked this question given the events earlier in the evening and given the distance he had put between them since the broadcast ended? Well since his proposal actually.

_She'd never said it back._

After the broadcast Will had encouraged Mac to stay and celebrate with their staff. Everyone needed this excuse to boost their spirits, pronounced the Director of Morale and the team had taken their post-election engagement celebrations to the 44th floor.

Mac had concurred of course and had found energy born of pure euphoria. For a while there she had positively glowed, making him quietly proud that he had crafted this happiness for her. He even felt it all could work out as the congratulations and good wishes poured in.

Will had shared out his time between circulating around his staff and conferring with Leona's defence team in preparation for the legal tsunami headed their way in the morning.

Whenever Mac was nearby, deep in conversation with one of their family of smiling co-workers, he'd touched her gently, squeezing her shoulder, brushing her cheek with his finger tips, putting his arm briefly around her waist and whispering a greeting into her ear. She would answer with a too bright smile, a gentle nudge of his shoulder, a stroke of his wrist. Her eyes held gentle questions mixing care, concern and hope. The sparkling promise on her left hand a comforting token she wrapped in the fingers of her right

_She never said it._

He would then head (flee?) to the other side of the room, for more meaningless, trivial conversations, (Will's words not mine), with guests of Leona's before his inexorable gravitation back towards Mac once more.

He was so, so tired but he needed to be sure Mac was not feeling rushed or pushed or… manipulated by him-as only he knew she had been.

_And he really needed to hear her say it. _

Finally in defeat, Will glanced across the room in Mac's direction and nodded toward the elevators, holding up a handful of fingers.

She'd acknowledged his message with a brief incline of her head but no accompanying smile. She was talking to Charlie who turned and raised his glass to Will when Mac nodded her head in his direction.

Will's gaze focussed on her, and from this distance she looked ill and desperately fatigued. He felt instantly guilty knowing he had let them linger too long. She'd needed him beside her tonight of all nights and she really could have expected that he would have stayed close, given their most recent turn of events. But Will was so desperate not to mess this up so he was giving them both a little time to adjust, time to think or at least that was what he was telling himself.

Well, really he was just terrified that Mac would rumble him …

But now they were trapped together in a travelling sardine can

"Mmmh?"

Will stalled in reply to Mackenzie's question, a frown pinching his brow. He does not need to have this conversation here, now, in an elevator just leaving the 44th floor. He needed sleep, sex, caffeine and nicotine, not necessarily in that order, and then they might have a shot at discussing their complicated past and by implication their fragile future - or some such thing.

"I asked you why Will, the reason for your proposal tonight, out of the blue?" Mac mumbled, eyes still firmly shut, forehead propped against the shiny surface, exhaustion radiating from her in almost tangible waves.

"I thought this could be our 'piece de resistance', our response to the Dantana factor." Will teased quietly, his frown still in place. "See how well it worked. How else would we have extracted vast quantities of booze out of Leona to divert our workforce from their current depressed state? They all love you Mac, so they loved celebrating with us and for us. You are my secret weapon when managing our staff… well, when managing anything actually." His voice faltered and dropped in tone "In fact Mac, you are my whole existence." He said, surprising himself by blurting out this profound, frightening truth unprovoked.

Will waited, motionless, his breathe suspended, lungs burning, heart racing. "Here we go" he thought, bracing himself for her response; anticipating unanswerable questions about forgiveness, blame and guilt and "them".

Silence!

And then his lips twitched upwards as he realised Mac had momentarily lost consciousness standing there in her Christian Louboutins, leaning against the reflective wall of their downward moving box.

She never slept in public transport. They'd laughed about her lack of ability to feel safe enough to sleep on trains and planes and other random modes of transport back in the day.

And suddenly it struck him as incredibly funny that she had 'dropped off' while 'dropping down' at whatever-the-fuck meters per second they were traveling together, towards their fixed, joint destination. She looked so sweet and frail and beautiful supported by the wall. He finally closed the gap between them, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her gently against him taking her weight before she fell. Her head transferred naturally to his chest, tucking heavily under his chin in her own familiar hollow.

And then it happened. A warmth spread through his body, as though his muscles and skin and even his bones remembered this, them. After years of vacant space, he was tingling. This was not a Rudy hug. She was not holding back. She was asleep… on him… trusting herself to him…. and he was accepting her. God was he accepting her!

And in that instant he knew this was right, completely right. He never wanted her to move from his arms. Their past was irrelevant. He was just fucking happy- how did that happen? Earlier that night, yesterday even, everything was terrible, what with Genoa and Dantana and the hate mail and the Tea Party and the resignations. But suddenly he did not care about any of it…..not any more ….this really was his new reality. She was his…again… and if he could just keep her at the centre of his world everything else could implode and he would be ok with that. He just needed Mackenzie and the rest of his life would count as a complete success. How had he ever missed this? It was so clear, like a fucking epiphany or something. He could answer all her questions whatever they were. Bring them on!

He looked down at his fiancé and a stupidly wide grin spilt across his face as the elevator doors slid open with a soft reverberating 'ding'.

Will dipped his head and placed a gentle kiss onto her hair. "Come on Mac" he whispered, his voice gruff with emotion "You need to come home."

"Mmmh?" She mumbled indistinctly into his chest, and as quietly as a breath he heard it…

_"Love you too!"_


End file.
